Dear men - content may cause you concern.
One of my daughters has been asking me about the menopause. I told her I would blog it for her. So that is exactly what I am going to do. I am going to write a blog about the menopause and it's effects.
Shitting hell, what was I going to blog about? I know somebody asked me to do something but I am fucked if I can remember what it was. I will get dressed first. It is 10.30 am and I am still in my bra and knickers with all the doors and windows open because it is like a sauna in here. Whats his name is shouting he is cold. Well he can fuck off and put more clothes on. I am sweating like a pig on a BBQ.
As I am sorting the washing, I remember I was going to blog about the menopause for thingymajig. I have also just given that postman a bit of a start. He was delivering my eyebrow stamp. A bit of a surprise as I am buggered if I can remember ordering it. I answered the door still wearing my bra and knickers. Which it’s really just the same as wearing a bloody bikini for fucks sake. And it is hotter than Dubai in here. That postal worker needs to man up. Yelping like that!
"That is what is wrong with the world today!" I sob. "People expect so much of me!" " I am only a woman!" sob, sob, snot, gulp, bloody big wail and a couple of howls of self pity. Once I have had a good old cry, blown my nose, I go to the bedroom and get a summer frock to wear. It may be mid December outside but fucking hell, I am roasting. I will turn the heating off.
Whatyamackaulum tells me NOT to turn the heating off. He retracts this when I attempt to scalp him with the potato peeler. If he moves an inch closer to the thermostat I will cut his gizzards out with the carving knife I have behind my ear. Good job the sweat trickling into my eyes distracted me. I am being told to calm down. That I am being unreasonable. I will show him unreasonable. But just then I see a teeny little kitten on the T.V with its mummy, and I am sobbing because my eggs have curdled and there will be no more babies. Or maybe they simply hard boiled because my inner core temperature could melt titanium.
The process of the menopause seems to be to squeeze every drop of moisture from inside until you dry up like a twatting prune.
I miss P.M.T. It used to declare each new month. Then one day it took three months to show itself. Then buggered off for two seasons. Returning briefly for Christmas. And has never been seen since.I have deconstructed my redundant monthly lady items and fashioned homemade ear cleaners with the fillings and some long match sticks. The razors that used to keep me tidy downstairs now keep my top lip smooth. And as my bosoms silently deflate, I sprout hairs on my chiny chin chin. Plucking Hell.
Ah, yes the menopause. Where you lose sanitary and sanity simultaneously.