Movember is almost upon us. An annual event involving the men of the world growing moustaches during the month of November to raise awareness of men's health issues.
The guys at work were all chatting about it yesterday with some deciding they would take it a step further and do a beard too. A competition was then set up where the winner would be the most hairy face on the 30th November.
"I think I'll join you" I said as a joke. But no one laughed.
This was a bit worrying! It could be because I work with nerdy geeks, who genuinely have not realised I am a woman, but it might also be because they see it as a viable option for me. Menopausal paranoia hits. Maybe even they are worried I will win the competition over their bum-fluff chins, because I’m sure if I left my face to its own devices I would win hands down.
My bathroom has bright lights and a magnifying mirror facing the window and several pairs of super strong tweezers to fight the battle of the stubble. There are tweezers in the car and in all my handbags. If I’m ever on Desert Island Discs, I'd have to lie and say something high brow like 'I'd take 'Crime And Punishment' with me to read as my luxury item' - but the reality it would be tweezers. The battle against the bristle gets tougher every day!
Indeed maybe all women should participate in Movember? I’d be interested to know just how hairy I can get without daily intervention. Women of a certain age could do it to raise awareness of the menopause. Maybe I am onto something here. It could even lead to another career - like the singing bearded lady in 'The Greatest Showman'. Except I can't sing. Well, I could at least get equal pay for this career by masquerading as a man!
But they are but fantasies - the reality is very different. I woke up at 3am the other day paralysed with fear that I might end up in a coma and would end up with a massive beard and moustache, causing visitors to my bedside would laugh at me. This is what happens when menopausal anxiety and menopausal sleeplessness collide! I checked with Google to see if hair still grew when you were in a coma - it does - so I woke my partner up to get them to promise on Sweet Dog’s life that they would attend to my beard and moustache if ever such a fate befell me. Initially the response was 'oh FFS' but after a wee chat there was more understanding… Well it was more 'if I bloody agree to this will you shut up and let me sleep' than full understanding but it was sufficient to reassure me.
I have tried electrolysis - but it is not as Chantelle the therapist told me 'like someone gently flicking your skin'. It was more like 'someone stabbing you with a red hot needle loads and loads of times. It cost £90 (which is about three bottles of Jack Daniels and a bottle of Pinot) and made not one iota of difference!
I tried waxing but then had to walk about for days with a red rash all over my face that resembled shaving rash or the plague, depending on the light. The other issue, like threading, which was so sore it made me cry, was having to hide away for a week while the hairs grew to a suitable length to wax/thread. So neither could be classed as an overall success
My mum recommended hair lightener, but I’m not sure a blonde beard and moustache would be much more flattering than a dark one.
Hmmm - I have a plan! I am going to suggest that on the 1st December they all have the beards and moustaches removed using waxing/threading/electrolysis in public to raise money for a Mens Health Charity.
Mwahahaha (that is an evil laugh btw....)