It's December - so time to write that traditional letter to you all the way up there in the North Pole.
So, I'd like to start by asking for a bit of clarity on what exactly you mean by 'good'.
I will remind you of the time 42 years ago where you made an error and brought me a pink bike with a flowery bell on it when I explicitly asked for a BMX. But anyone can make a mistake and I hope you can forgive me in the same way I (eventually) forgave you when deciding if I should go on your naughty or nice list this year.
I appreciate my regular thoughts of hitting my partner over the head with a frying pan and poking my colleagues in the eye may perhaps make me a candidate for the naughty list. But I am keen to point out the mitigating circumstances of menopausal moodiness and in my defence clarify that at no time did I give in to these desires even when met with extreme provocation.
Also, I note that you are advising that we do not shout or cry or sigh. I would like to point out that this criteria is a little harsh on the menopausal woman - and ask that you consider leniency towards women in this stage. These are essential survival mechanisms for us. Please take this into account or you might otherwise be accused of being judgemental and in this day and age that could get you in the midst of a Twitter storm which may damage your pristine reputation.
Yes, I accept that popping all the chocolates out of my advent calendar to scoff them during a particularly bad hormonal moment in November can't be viewed as 'good' but again let me refer you to the justification in the paragraph above.
You have also mentioned that you can see when I am sleeping and see when I am awake. So you will be very aware that I am often, like many menopausal women, awake when I should be sleeping I hope that may also be taking into account as a mitigating circumstance when you are checking your list. And checking it twice. (this is an opportune moment to ask if you know about GDPR t you might want to google it as I am pretty sure it will impact your list creation).
I have also had a few, well let's call them 'menopausal honesty moments' and aware the recipients of such moments may be keen to put me on the naughty list too - but I think overall honesty is a good thing - so let's see that as a positive and a tick for the 'nice' list.
So - now that we have that sorted - here is my list. Please can you read it carefully as I do not recall asking for a fat belly or a hairy chin last year - and yet here we are! I would like:
* A libido
* Legislation that gives all menopausal women 6 months fully paid meno-leave
* A pension (the government stole mine)
* An alibi if I do ever give into my desires to poke certain people
* A gastric band that requires no surgery
* A Jo Malone Candle (I regularly ask my partner for this and am rewarded with a feckin pretend TK Maxx one - I am trusting you to know there is a difference)
Thanks Santa. I will leave your usual beer and mince pie. And some carrots for Dasher and Basher and Crasher and Flasher (or whatever their names are - menopausal brain fog is an issue at the moment).
I believe in you Santa - so how about you believe in me?
Lots of Love